I Am Hanging On

I am still here. Not that I want to be. You know, I must be kidding myself. If I did not want to be here I would not. My therapist pointed out that my suicide would be an act of violent angry. Therefore her question was; why are you angry with your family and friends and others who are connected to you. I said, I am not angry with them I am angry at the pain and guilt that fills my every day. At the end of the session I finally understood that my suicide would scar family and friends for life. They also would have a life full with guilt. I do not want that. So I am here. However, I am miserable.

Funk I am

Thank you Baltimoredaiary. Maybe I should not have made the last entry. I must sound like hyperbole. It is not. I am very sad and lonely and full of guilt. Yes I have hope. I try hard to find it. I struggle with my demons and sometimes I win. But now with constant pain from my physical ailments coupled with my emotional and physiological pain I feel overwhelmed and exhausted. I see a therapist every week she helps some. I hope when I see her today she can pull me out of my current funk. God I hope someone can.

My Goal

Suicide is no longer an option. It is a goal

Worried About Sturday The 13th

Linda is going to New York Saturday. I want to go but the wheel chair will not fit in the bus. So I will be alone. Being alone at this time is dangerous. I am very aft to hurt myself. Or just flip. Maybe I should just check into Walter Red? Or go over some ones house. Or maybe I can just buck up and handle it myself. I wonder.

A Day When “The cold dark river asked me for a kiss.”

I spent two years studding the language and culture of Viet Nam. I attended both the Dept of Defense and the Dept. of States language and culture schools. When I final arrived in Viet Name for my first tour I could speak Vietnamese at the High School Graduate level. After being in country for a year and speaking almost exclusively Vietnamese my Vietnamese was pretty good. Some native speakers said I spoke with no accent. After this tour and some refresher classes my language was excellent. So by the time of my second tour the language was not a barrier. I learned to love the culture, history and people of Viet Name. There in lies the problem.

You cannot send a solider to kill a people the solider loves. I was obligated to serve my Nation and obey my Commander in chief and officers appoint above me. In doing so I realized I was killing people who believed they were fighting to preserve their country and way of life. I on the other hand was serving a Commander that thought we should impose our way of life. Everyone knew that our brand of government was better than Communism. What makes it even worse is we now have established diplomatic relations with this so-called “Evil Communist country. We trade goods, have American factories in there and it is a hot American tourist spot. . Now tell me again why I was ordered to kill them!!

Now maybe you can better understand my Veterans Day posting. It went like this;
“…I weep on Veteran’s Day. Sometimes I am not aware of why I weep but I know my soul is profoundly sad. It is sad for those who have died for me and those who have died beside me and for those who have died at my hand. At times I cry for all the suffering I have seen and have been part of….”